Sex - *checks* pretty sure I'm still female.
"Gender refers to the attitudes, feelings, and behaviors that a given culture associates with a
person’s biological sex. Behavior that is compatible with cultural expectations is referred to as
gender-normative; behaviors that are viewed as incompatible with these expectations
constitute gender non-conformity. "
"Gender identity refers to “one’s sense of oneself as male, female, or transgender” (American
Psychological Association, 2006). When one’s gender identity and biological sex are not
congruent, the individual may identify as transsexual or as another transgender category (cf.
Gainor, 2000)."
This is where it gets blurry and confusing. You see, I am technically a female and I recognise that. HOWEVER, I have my gripes of being a female. HOWEVER, I don't want a sex change. I have my gripes of being biologically male too. I don't think my "soul", if such a thing exists, is male or female. I'm just.. me. Another thing is that I don't care what society does or w/e. I like pants for both men and women (or anyone) cos they are practical and can show off the shape of someone's body without showing skin. Modest but still sexy? Skirts? no.. unless it's super hot and thighs are all sweaty and you need to release as much heat as possible. Anyway, my point is that I don't see clothes as male or female unless it's something like a bra or a frontal bump in the briefs because it's because of a difference in anatomy. However, I happen to prefer clothes which aren't strongly "feminine". On anyone. I think suits look awesome on both men and women. I have a major gripe with high heels. It is sad to me that society brings about this idea that high heels are attractive, because to me, it's the modern version of the Chinese bound feet. People getting disgusted at Chinese bound feet while digging high heels is ironic to me.
Gender expression refers to the “…way in which a person acts to communicate gender within a
given culture; for example, in terms of clothing, communication patterns and interests. A
person’s gender expression may or may not be consistent with socially prescribed gender roles,
and may or may not reflect his or her gender identity” (American Psychological Association,
2008, p. 28).
Like the previous, I am confused. I don't do things because I am male or female. I don't understand it either when others do.
Sexuality
I don't think of myself as whatever sexuality tbh, I just know I like men (some of them anyway).. However if I had a choice, it'd probably be asexual so I could the time/effort on other things, if you know what I mean.. And would save some head/heartache. In the past months though, I've grown to be less sexual. Not sure if it's because of age or what.
Friends..
Not too good. I lack close friends big time.. I have even less than before. They've mostly been very unavailable, some even like 100% unavailable. I don't know what's been happening. Nor do I understand either, because close friends are important to me. I would always make time for friends. I may be doing something, but if friends sign on and say hi, I will always try to say hi back and ask how they're going. Or maybe I just simply don't have enough in common with them in their minds. Honestly, I've been left in the dark about this most of the time, and I haven't been happy about this. I've been quite lonely and miss the days when I could go on msn every night and talk to people. What do people do instead of instant messaging nowadays? I don't get how you could not.
Family relationships
Not good. I notice that my brother's school has probably had an effect on him, although puberty may be a large factor. My brother has been more arrogant and I don't like it. However, there are signs that he has friends from school and does at least a little bit of studying with them, which has been interesting, I guess. At least at this time where he's having exams anyway. Which is better than me, who didn't do jack in past papers. Still don't tbh :\.
My mum.. I still don't like her. She's more irrational than ever and is still a bitch and a hypocrite. Still has no interest in what I like, my opinions, what I want, or anything. Same for anyone in the family really. She bites more than she could chew and then complains about it. I wish she just didn't take such a large bite. For example she wants to get property and do all this renting out shit, then complains heaps, at times bursting into a crying fit saying that my dad is useless (when he isn't) and doesn't help her. Stop doing this renting thing or hire someone to do it and shut the fuck up? The house is already negative enough. And it's not just me who thinks it, the rest of the family thinks so too. And my mum doesn't listen or respond when being told that. She doesn't respond properly to shit. A very illogical woman.
My dad.. not much is going on with him afaik besides him gambling his weekly pay or something away at times. I really don't get the logic of gambling money at pokies. Him and my mum did fight a lot about a month back and considered divorce. Thinking about it, the amount of fighting is pretty proportional to how bitchy my mum gets.
Culture
Movies - I don't think I've watched a single "movie" since I last blogged a similar post. It's just hard for me to commit to something for which I have no guarantee that it's going to be good. It's like relationships really :\, sadly.
TV - I still watch absolutely no TV. However I do still watch Youtube, although not as much as previously. I watched all six episodes of the dramedy "Please Like Me" by Josh Thomas. It's pretty funny in its own Josh Thomas way, I recommend it. It's always interesting to see a production done by someone in my (young) generation.
Music - I don't think I've opened my cello case at all this year :\, I just don't feel an incentive to play it. Nor have I played the piano since teaching my cousin piano. In terms of what I listen to, I've really been into the 80s New Wave band Dead or Alive. I thought Pete Burn's singing was weird at first, but I appreciate it now.. there is this haunting quality to it. A tragic voice.
Uni
I'm not enjoying uni and get the sense that I won't. I just haven't been interested enough to put in the study required :\ I'm having large doubts that civil engineering is what I want for a future career. I've been thinking of starting a business (so I can be my own boss) or something but I wouldn't know how.
Financial
I wouldn't know what to do with the money I have, to be honest. I actually have quite a sum of money but at the moment, I'm not doing much with it. I strongly consider getting a non-engineering part-time job in the summer so that I have some legit work experience. And maybe it might change me somehow for the better. Thinking of a call centre because I don't get to talk much at home.
Games
I've gone back to GW2 and have made considerable progress.
My mannerisms
Hmm. I've given less of a shit about my presentation since I now care less about getting a guy than to get myself fixed up. I must be ok with myself first, and I'm not. Still an INTJ I think..
INTJ
Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(88%) Thinking(25%) Judging(22%)
- You have distinctive preference of Introversion over Extraversion (67%)
- You have strong preference of Intuition over Sensing (88%)
- You have moderate preference of Thinking over Feeling (25%)
- You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (22%)
To be honest, I haven't gone out much, most of the time, I'm really at my computer. So not too much mannerism xD
Philosophy
Honestly don't know. I just want to be myself. I'm pretty lost and need help from professionals probably, which I am going to attend to after my exams.
Food/Drink
Unlike the last post, I actually can appreciate coffee now. I like mocha, or half to a third coffee half to two-thirds chocolate (although there is no chocolate at home and so it's just Milo). Alcohol.. I like 25% red wine, the rest juice. Full alcohol is still too bitter for me and it's not sweet, so I don't get why people enjoy that. I have less sugar now in my drinks, maybe two thirds of previous. I drink Earl Grey without milk decently often now, maybe once or twice a day on average.
Foodwise, I don't go to Subway as much now at uni. I go more for curry with rice. The thing with Subway is that I'm totally stuffed from a footlong, and footlong is the only thing of relatively good value. The six-inch is not good value to the point where I might as well just eat something "better". Why not eat just half a footlong, you ask? Well, it is much easier said than done lol. After a short time, the sauce in the sub goes everywhere that you might as well just eat it all in one go, dispose of the wrapping and wash your hands. It also takes effort to rewrap the thing, and did I mention the taste?! It tastes good that you just want to keep eating. Funnily though, it doesn't happen as intensely with curry and rice, I can save some for later then I can eat later and not starve.
At home, there usually isn't very good food at all if there are no cucumbers, smoked salmon or previous dinners in the fridge. In that case, I usually end up microwaving and grilling frozen dumplings :\ which is fine if I'm doing it very occasionally, but lately, I've had to do it almost everyday. Or I eat fruit, if any (usually disappears quickly). Also, the lack of milk.. my mum hasn't bought milk in a month or something. And when she buys it, IT IS FREAKIN' full-cream. Bleurgh -.- if I bought my own milk, it'd be 2% fat at MAX. Unfortunately when I buy my own milk, my mum doesn't buy milk and then my bro drinks the milk. I wish I had my own kitchen, fridge and everything. Juice.. oh god. My mum is so ignorant and presumably doesn't care. She bought 3L of orange DRINK. DRINK I tell you. It wasn't juice, it was more like cordial. It's been over a week probably and it still hasn't been finished. I don't want fruit drink, I want fruit JUICE.
She did get bread before but it was freakin' WHITE BREAD which I just refuse to eat.. the lack of care is astounding. It was in the fridge for so long but it probably ended up in the bin, so much for fucking trying to save money. Yeah, buy your kids food that they don't want to eat AND it's unhealthy, fucking save money. But yeah this kind of thing is why I don't think she is a very good mother. And since then, she hasn't bought shit in terms of bread, she probably assumed that the kids don't want bread. I fucking do, but it should be healthy bread -.- sigh. And then if I buy bread, what happens? My bro eats it. Fucking hell.
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