Wondering about Life

Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as an RS-pro who’s also pro in real life. Sometimes I wonder if I can really ever have it all. According to my mum people who play games can never excel. “Who cares if you’re good at playing games!” she says. I agree. But I don’t care. I don’t care if people don’t care that I play RS. I don’t care that they don’t care that I don’t care about the fact they don’t care either. I simply don’t care. It’s not mainly a show off thing. It’s an escape, a place where I feel free and I can literally dance and be like “woot!” without feeling self-conscious at all. And I can wield swords and kill stuff without any resulting blood. No guilt at all. It can also be a pride thing especially when I achieve something I want in RS. It’s a matter of pixels in real life but in the game it’s something to be proud of and congratulated. I can socialise without feeling self-conscious and I can always delete people from my friend’s list if I don’t like certain people. And no one would know besides the certain person. Maybe even they don’t know. Maybe they might forget me even. Cos I am nothing more than a random. And no one knows my real name and I like it that way. Besides one person or two who asked me if my Runescape username was my real name, to which I replied no, but call me Lilly anyway. I am Lilly on RS and Lilly is awesome. Lilly is slightly different from Jess. I would never wear full mime plus an air tiara and a red cape in real life, unless it’s like an RS-themed party or something lol. But all this RS-ing doesn’t make me pro at real life right? So I wonder, if it is possible to be pro at both real life and RS.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should take life seriously or not. Conflicting messages enter my head at times. There’s these ex-students who say “The HSC isn’t your whole life” and Channel 10’s “I believe… you shouldn’t take things so seriously”. There’s even these hippies that say stuff like “Yo mannn just chillll dude. Live life like it’s your last day!! Wooo!!!” But there are also people like my mum and certain teachers who stress that we students have to get good marks, and they act so serious, inferring that we should be serious too. This creeps me out. But the opposite creeps me out too, for some reason. And I don’t know how to get in between the seriousness and the non-seriousness. So I wonder, whether I should take life seriously or not. In the end my mum forces me to think the first one.

Sometimes I wonder why I am different. I am not an emo, nor a gangsta-type person, nor a stuck-up girl, nor a real nerd, nor a thug, nor an angel, nor a complete rebel. I tend to want to sleep when everyone wants to stay awake. I tend to want to play RS when other people want to go to parties. I tend to want to blog while other people msn. I tend to not want to do my work when others are. I also tend to want to do my work when others are chatting. Sometimes I wonder if me being different is a good thing. There are certainly bad things like perhaps people thinking I have no life, or that I’m weird or why am I so quiet. And it shows. I was a left-over kinda person in preschool, primary and probably sometimes in secondary. But I still wonder if there’s anything good to it. Some of my friends say that it’s good that I be me but I dunno. I suppose I’m quite immune to peer-pressure most of the time because I don’t see the need to submit. Prolly cos I don’t really care. I suppose that’s why I’m different in that way. I also live according to my own opinion which tends to differ from others. And so far I’ve stayed that way. So if you don’t like me then fine don’t but you should know that I don’t really care. Well I do (sometimes), but I’m not gonna change that easily. So maybe there’s no reason why I am different. I just am.

Sometimes I wonder who I am. I don’t know. Being a teenager chucked around the place I’m still searching for it. It’s hard cos it’s like I’m on a rollercoaster and everything’s a blur and the next thing is that you’ve dropped fifty metres within two seconds. It’s as if there’s no time to think of these things cos you have a bloody English assessment tomorrow and you feel completely unprepared. Life is a blur and glasses don’t seem to work so you’ll just have to cope with it. It’s like that. No time for wondering.

Sometimes I wonder if there is ever freedom. I suppose not. I mean everyone has to strive right? I want freedom but at the same time I’ve heard that freedom corrupts you like in Heart of Darkness or Lord of the Flies. I don’t know.

That’s about it. Godspeed.